September 23 2015 THE PLAN

So yesterday i went to the doctor. I was really nervous but I felt like I had really prepared for what was going to happen.
This small asian hawaiian by the name of Dr. Marumoto walks in and he looks at me straight in the eyes and said " you really did something to your knee. this is really really bad. You completely retore your ACL, and your medial meniscus is torn in a way called a bucket handle tear. Where you mensicus is moved completely to the other side of your knee. This is bad and you need to get it done as soon as possible, no waiting till the end of the sememster or a few weeks. You should go home, but if you cant i can do the surgery for you. If you wait, you will walk with a limp for the rest of your life and have trouble just walking." Ok well shiz. i was so stunned. I didnt realize how severe it was. My whole life came into perspective, but i quietly sat there listening. I took the news like a champ or so my trainer told me. He then tried to see if he could move the mensicus by moving my leg in different directions, but my knee was so uncapable of that. Then as quickly as he came, he left. And i was faced with so many decisions. I was so alone but for the first time in my life I really felt like I was in control of my life and felt like an adult. I decided that I am having surgery here, next week on thursday October 1st. Ill be in bed for about a week and a half, then crutches for 6 weeks. I called my parents, and we talked for awhile, and then they talked to the doctor. But i ultimately made the choice to stay here, and get the surgery done and recover here. NUTS HUH. All by myself without my family. I kind of lost it at this point, i was talking to the nurse, filling out my paperwork feeling sooo overwhelmed with all these decisions I was making, the tears flowed down my cheeks. I stared out into the city of Honolulu and thought "this is my life, no use complaining. IT IS WHAT IT IS. whether this is apart of gods plan for me or not. I have to have a good attitude about it."
When we drove back to Laie, there was the huge amazing green mountains and the sky was on fire, it was one of the prettiest sunsets ive ever seen. And i thought to myself this makes it worth it. Even if i cant swim or hike for a long time, i am still in hawaii. Just the atmosphere brings me peace and love for this earth and God.
This morning (wednesday) i went and talked to all my proffessors who were all very understanding which i am so grateful for. I went and got a nice letter from Annie, and a package of a book that was suppossed to come about a month ago. haha. I talked to my counselor, and set up my schedule for next semester. She told me i am after fall, considered a sophemore in college, so i need to tell her my major. I WAS SO STARTLED AND SCARED i was like gahhhh i have no idea what i want to do in life! i am taking the direction of social work/physcology which is kinda nuts i just kinda winged it. I love talking to people but in no way do i want to be a social worker so im not sure what i got myself into. ON the plus side, when i have surgery ill be able to have alot of time on my hands to hopefully figure that out. When i get stressed out or when i tell people that im going to have surgery on a tiny island alonevwithout my family, be on crutches for 6 weeks and be a full time college student they tell me im crazy and i got my work cut out for me. And i do, but this is the situation im in and i just gotta go with it!
Growing up is hard, but i have never learned so much than i have out here.
Enjoy the simple.

Saturday September 20th 2015 WHAT

Alot of mixed emotions right now. My heart has never been so heavy. I retore my ACL.

When I met with my Bishop this past week, he told me to go to the temple and read my patriartical blessing there. So this morning i got up early and crutched to the temple which was actually really hard, but i can do hard things right? I sat in the grass overlooking the temple, i layed on my back and stared at the clouds pass by so quickly and felt so calm and reassured. I prayed hard that I could play soccer this season because I wanted to so badly and had worked so hard. But deep down I knew this was the end. I stayed hopeful.I read my blessing and my perspective on alot of things slowly changed, and I became comforted that this was all apart of Gods Plan. 

here's some pictures I took while there. I love this place so much.

The trainers yesterday told me that I wouldnt find out till monday the results of my MRI so I just braced myself for monday. I came back to my dorm, and got ready to go the soccer game vs. University of Hilo Hawaii. We had a nice chat in the CAC, i was so happy to see Brenna and all my soccer homies again because I hadnt seen them all week. I felt so happy to be there. SO HAPPY to be apart of a team that loved each other and cared for one another so much. I was so excited to watch them play. I talked to coach and told him I was sorry I had let him down but he quickly reminded me it wasnt my fault, and that he would be here for me if i needed anything.

As i walked onto the field, i got so happy I love soccer so much, i love the atmosphere. I decided I had had enough of the crutches and walked around like a free woman and because i had really bad rashes under my armpits. I helped them set up pre-game, coach Aaron made me pass him balls even though i could barely walk. hahah. but i was ok with it. Because I was given a little responsibilty and i felt so included. 

Then one of the trainers, Guy told me to come over and talk to him. I thought he was gonna get so mad at me for not being on crutches hahah i got sooo nervous. But he sat me down and slowly said "so your MRI results came in...." the hairs on my neck went up high and my ears tuned in to listen to my fate "and your ACL is torn." WHAT?!? a million thoughts went through my head and all i did was slowly nod my head.
At this point, i dont really remember anything else. Its all kind of a blur. All i remember is crying and crying. Coach Aaron came and he was the first to know. He told me not to tell the girls till after the game. So i sat by Guy and i just kept sobbing. This wasnt real and this wasnt fair. AND definetly not what i expected. This time felt completly different than the other time. It couldnt be this severe. A wave of emotion just hit me so hard. I was so happy to be in that moment of watching my team mates play to hearing the worst news of my life. Coach Davis came to me and gave me a hug, he was at a loss of words and i dont blame him. My heart was completely torn out of my chest. I kept crying. some girls came and gave me hugs but i got mad at them and told them to focus on the game. hahah. a million thoughts were going through my head. I just sat there, so sad. The last year and a half was focused on getting better from my previous ACL tear to come kill it at BYU hawaii. and all my hard work was diminished into nothing, just another ACL tear again. This was the one moment I felt so alone. I have never grieved so much in my entire life. I'll stuck in hawaii, I have to have surgery and I can't even enjoy the ocean or go on hikes or do cool stuff with my friends. I am disabled now (just for a little bit) and all I ever wanted to be was normal, to be healthy and to play soccer.

Today was the hardest day of my life. But I have never felt so comforted by all the new people i have met. In the begining of pregame each girl said who they were playing for. And brena came up to me later and said " i told everyone i was playing for my mom, but i am really playing for you" followed by a long hug and it was so sweet and thoughtful.

this is a pic Someone took right after I found out I had torn it, this is cutie brenna.

savpin just showed up to our hale cause Daryl and I are both kinda sick and gave us AMAZING crepes and some Nutella. I knew it took a lot of time to make them and it was such a sweet gift. then Brooke and her roommates taylor and Emily came and gave me bubbalicious gum cause they knew it was my favorite and cookies and a cute balloon. HOW NICE?!? on Sunday, a girl I had met once in the training room, took the time to come and see me, gave me cookies and really emphasized that she was here for me because she had just had the same surgery. on Sunday night, two of my team mates kala and Whitney brought me brownies, sweet notes and kala painted me a painting!?!? how NICE IS THAT? I can't even emphasize to you how much I value effort and time, and when people take their own time and give me something It means SOOO much to me, even if im bad expressing how much it means to me. gahhhh I can't get over it how amazing people are. And i love all the people i have met here. They have taught me that even if you need help, its okay to let people help you because youre giving them an opportunity to serve and to become closer to our savior through acts of service. I have always been stubborn refusing others help, but I learned that it's ok to need help and to let people serve you. People are nice and im so blessed to be here, i wouldnt want to be anywhere else. I cant even imagine being some place else and having the same thing happen to me. So many people have touched me and ive never felt Gods love for me so strong than here in hawaii. Life throws alot of disapppointments, struggles and heart aches at us but you gotta just endure with patience and learn to enjoy the simple things.This isnt the end of the world, but soccer is such a huge chunk of my life because ive invested so many years,work and thought into it. Most things I think about involve soccer, so it's pretty hard when you have to reevaluate your whole mindset to simply just getting healthy from pushing yourself to become a better soccer player.This is hard, but i can do hard things. 

September 17th 2015: HOW IT HAPPENED

I am sorry i haven't written at all these past two weeks, Ive been very reluctant to. And I will tell you why in a little bit. Last week, my best friend Mckenzie Brockbank came and visited us before her mission. We hiked, swam, ate lots of good food, laughed really hard just like old times. I love her so much, she made me miss home very much but made it feel like I was home at the same time. My definition of home has changed significantly since I have been in Hawaii. Its not about where you are, but who you are with. I have been blessed with 3 best friends Daryl, Brooke and Savpin who came here with me. I don't feel alone ever. I will make a video soon showing our adventures! Friendship will be forever, I know it even if in a few years we wont see each other. The power of six will be best friends till we are grandmas with saggy boobs. (Annie, Brooke, Savpin, Daryl, Kenzie, Emmaline, and I)
That week I was at practice and I was just jogging and a shot of pain went through my leg, i fell to the ground and was in so much pain. The trainer came and got me, where he examined it and thought it was my MCL, just being super weak.After about an hour however, the pain totally went away and I felt perfectly fine. I went to the doctors and he said the same thing, that my MCL was sprained and that I needed to strengthen my quad. They told me I would be out for about a month. This was really hard for me, particularly because I felt i had worked so hard and my body gave up on me once again. At the same time, I was really relieved because it was only a month, then I could play again. I hid my sadness with laughter and just blew it off as no big deal. If you know me you know I hate talking about my problems, hate complaining and will never admit I am hurt.I guess I just inherited alot of my moms genes.
 I loved going to practice just to see my newly best friends. I looked forward to seeing Ansley, Brenna and Alyssa, Whitney the most every day. They made me sooo happy. I have only known them for about 2 months but I feel like I have known them for years, we die laughing at the little things and enjoy just being in each others company. Time passed, I would go to practice to listen to coach talk,be there for the prayer and for a scripture thought because I wanted to feel apart of the team. Then i would go to the trainers, do physical therapy and work out at the gym. I would then go to the end of practice and watch all my teammates scrimmage. I mostly came just to see their faces and be around them. I kept telling myself I was so blessed for just being in hawaii, and I am still so grateful to be here. I had never been happier even though I couldn't do the one thing I came here to do, play soccer.
This happened for two weeks. On Monday, after finishing a workout Daryl and I went to the Caf where we were talking to our homie Brody who is on the soccer team. I was sitting down and tried to reposition my knee when a huge shot of pain came over me, this time it was much worse. It felt like a nerve was hit and just a constant wave of pain was going through my knee. They knew that I was in pain, so i just told them I had gotten a charley horse. We sat for about an hour and the pain was still there, and gradually getting worse. I came clean and said, " okay guys i lied when i said i had a charley horse it was really my knee." And daryl tried to help me she said straighten it! move it around and don't make it stiff. I tried to straighten it, but the medial side of my knee felt so much pressure and the pain was directed at one specific point that I could hardly move it. I kept my cool though and remained calm cause you know there was boys around and i don't like people seeing my weaknesses. Brody offered to call Guy the trainer, but i begged him not to, thinking this would put the possibility of me playing moved back further and I thought the pain would just go away like the last time. I wasn't just gonna sit there however and attempted to walk when I discovered I couldn't even put any weight on it without a fierce jab of pain. Brody being a buff guy and a nice gentleman offered to give me a piggy back ride to my Hale. I reluctantly agreed. Then daryl helped me hobble to my room where i layed in my bed. The tears finally began to flow as the pain was so intense and it just didn't stop hurting. I called my dad, and cried and cried so hard till there were no tears left. Roxanne my other room mate came in and comforted me and reassured me she was here to help me. All my room mates were out doing homework so i had the room to myself where I cried till i finally fell asleep. They had practice early that morning, where i tried to get up but couldnt move for the life of me. I ended up staying in bed for about 16 hours till i realized that the pain just wouldnt go away and there was something that was really wrong. I missed my one class, and then at about 2 i went to the doctors office. The same doctor who helped me the first time was there and as I tried to explain i couldnt stop crying because I was reliving the same nightmare I had a year ago (my acl) but i was all by myself without my parents on the most isolated island on earth. I went to the trainers on crutches, where they were trying to schedule an MRI for me. Then my phone completely broke, luckily i had a backup but it doesnt work that well. I seemed to have the worst luck. I have hardly eaten anything since then which was about 3 days ago because all i can focus on is the pain. I then went to the caf to eat, and then crutched to the stake center where i was supposed to have a meeting with my bishop.The clerk told me I was wearing inappropriate clothing and I needed to go change.So i had to crutch all the way home and go back. Life truly felt like it was against me, Satan wanted to discourage me and it was working. I was so sad, because i didnt understand why god was doing this to me. I knew I was supposed to come to Hawaii, but why would God let this happen to me once i was here? We talked for about an hour and half. He quickly got rid of all my fears, and answered many of my prayers. I love him so incredibly much. Bishop Staples encouraged me to find positivity and endure. To read my scriptures every night, go to the temple, and read my patriartical blessing at the temple.
Wednesday:
The pain was still there its always there. I went to class, with a more positive attitude. I am mostly just soooo scared to go back home. I dont want to leave Hawaii and I cry every time i think about going away. But i also recognize i cant do antyhing like swim or hike with crutches. I cant just leave in the middle of the semester either. All of these what ifs are haunting my mind. Went to my classes, took a test, went to the caf, went to the trainers to find out more about my MRI. I cant even comprehend to you how awful i feel as to how it will money wise effect my family. MRI's are very expensive. Anyways, one of the trainers named dawn, this sweet older small lady was talking to me what could possibly wrong, and she abruptly said "Are you LDS?" and i replied yes. She said " Well i put your name on the temple prayer list this morning while i was at the temple this morning, I hope that was alright." And i just started bawling my eyes out. IT WAS THE MOST NICEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE. she remembered my name out of all the athletes she sees every day, and at the temple, she thought of me. I was so overcome with the spirit and of Gods love that it was pouring out of my eyeballs.
I went to Honolulu with some gals to get my computer which was really nice to get back! ive been hidden in the library for the past two weeks trying to do all my homework in there! I started crying on the way back so hard because of how beautiful hawaii is and How i cant even comprehend of leaving here. I got a Slurpee to numb the pain hahah.  I was in deep thought too, because alot of signs all over hawaii say " enjoy the simple" and thats why I love it here so much, the simple life is the best life. I came up with a new motto for myself after these last really hard days, and its this that i think everyone needs to do more of. "Endure with patience, and enjoy the simple."

I stole and hid Bessers cheeto puffs the other day cause i thought it would be funny, but when i gave them back to him like 2 days later they got all stale so i felt really bad. So i bought him some new ones and gave em to him where we were outside and talked and then my squad, (Peter, Besser, Ally and Britt) came out where we did partner yoga, listened to people sing, licked peoples elbows, played silly games and laughed really hard. These people are my best friends and I love doing things with them. I felt extremely better just being around them. We stayed up till about 1.

Thursday: The soccer team has a game today at HPU, but unfortunately i felt like i couldnt go because i didnt know if they would be back in time for when a trainer was going to take me to the hospital. They left at 9:30 this morning, there game is at 12:30 and I have to Leave the school at 3:30 today even though my appointment isnt till 8:15 pm. (Kinda ridiculous right?!) It was really hard missing out on that opportunity. I get super sad talking to coach because I know he expected so much of me and I let him down. I failed him and all my teammates even if its not my fault, im still hurt and cant play.
So Now im just waiting to leave and praying for the best results! Hopefully nothing too serious! Trust in God and believe in miracles and believe in whatever happens, happens because its supposed to. I believed I came out here to have fun and play soccer, but I guess God wants me to learn alot more and might have a different course for me to take, Im just still learning how to accept it. And ive learned that I can cry alot too haha.

August 31/ September 1

these last two days have been interesting.... 

Monday: so Monday's are the worst first off. I went to Book of Mormon and a stinky boy sat by me and I felt like I was gonna throw up the whole period. he always was drinking Mountain Dew and burping which didn't help. then I went to geology where my phone accidentally clicked a video and I got kicked out of class for it making a sound ahahhaha. my professor looked at me and just said straight up "leave get out of my class" 

then I had dropped my computer the night before but didn't check it and I went to my dorm tried to get my computer to turn on and the whole screen got cracked. destroyed. I started freaking out. went to the it service computer place and they told me I would have to go to the store. I then forgot my key card and I was stuck outside my dorm for awhile. Daryl found me on the floor outside our dorm crying my eyes out on the floor. hahaha what a sight to see. the day got pretty good after that. I was chewing bubble gum so hard in the library with my friends and that was a good time. 

Tuesday: we had soccer in the early am so we had the whole afternoon free. I ofcourse took a 3 hour nap and then Daryl and Brooke came with me to Honolulu to best buy where they could fix my computer but it would take them about 2 weeks to fix. HOW AM I GONNA SURVIVE COLLEGE WITHOUT A LAPTOP?!? haha but it worked all out quite nicely. I have never been more happy though, being here with my best friends. we ran around town, stared at sunsets and have to use the bus which takes us like an hour and a half to get there instead of about 45 minutes in a car. but it's an adventure. we then ate food at a little cafe where we were happy to eat normal food. it was a good Tuesday. I have never been so happy in my entire life even though stinky boys and being stupid and dropping my computer gets in my way. happiness is an attitude not a destination. JUST ENJOY THE TIME YOU ARE BREATHING. 

Thursday September 3- A Free Society

So my favorite class is Political Science, (Yes I do go to school)  I just spent literally 8 freaking hours writing this essay even though its not that long, it required every once of my body/mind to write it. And i am not gonna lie im pretty proud of it, so imma post it cause im a G. 

A free society is a society where humans are not “born into” a place or position but are free to do as they wish. Liberty however requires limits in order for a society to truly be free. A government system is vital; a government system powers are limited and have separation of powers that creates order and assists the people. There must be restraints and the only one that truly makes individuals free is self restraint. Once the peoples safety and liberty is secured, the most essential requirement of a free society is the individual's values and shared moral values of right and wrong.

In a free society there are several features that make it free. Freedom from necessity, a market economy, people give the power to the government, Truth is for the individual, the separation of faith and politics and the restrictive powers of the government are all important elements in a free society. In the past, this delicate balance of proportions rarely occurred. In a primitive world, freedom was hard to come by because most individuals faced obstacles of material necessity. Freedom cannot be an option merely because humans could only think of survival. As societies slowly grew, trade and business began. A market economy was the best liberation from essential slavery or the bondage of necessity because humans had the time and energy to pursue what they wanted to and had surplus that enabled them to choose what they deemed admirable. Once an ongoing market economy can be established that is competitive as Locke suggested, freedom now is not only for the powerful but for the weak and poor. But this freedom has to be protected by government. Government is a requirement of a free society. Alexander Hamilton stated “ that if mankind were to resolve to agree in no institution of government, until every part of it had been adjusted to the most exact standard of perfection, society would soon become a general scene of anarchy, and the world a desert.” ( The Federalist Papers No. 65)

Many as seen in history pursued power over others and used their power for their own ambitions. Oligarchy and Anarchy were the main systems of tyranny. These powers were used all throughout history. The main ideology was that God gave the power to the king or ruler and then he reigned over the people. This line from God to King to People is totally reversed in a free society. God gives the power to the people, who give the power to the government. Through history, ideals have evolved. In Premodern Christianity, Christ taught his followers to think for themselves as individuals, stressed the importance of the separation of faith and politics and that truth can be found by the people and not just the leaders and the powerful. (pg 17 Danford) Which is a focal point that is highly stressed today in America which is the best example of a free society. In the United States of America, the constitution created by our founding fathers instituted essential restrictions that make us more free. They believed the government they were creating had only one role which was to secure each individual's rights: rights which are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. James Madison said “ambition must be made to counteract ambition” (Muir pg.55) These founding fathers understood that human nature is both good and bad, and that you must protect the good and restrict the bad. The members of the society must have security, safety and a free marketplace to flourish. In order to maintain a fair society, there must be a balance of power in the government system. “A balance is more than just an identity of force, but is an effective balance is protecting relationships from deteriorating” (Muir p.36) This doesn't mean that you can always use peace to have balance, you need a strong government system that is not afraid to act if necessary. Although Gandhi used peace to obtain freedom, freedom in most circumstances must be fought for in order to be kept and established. A balance of powers in the United States government has split power into three branches; the Legislative, Judicial and Exeutive.

These branches cannot be more domniant than the other, creating a system that is fair. It allows an openness for debate in regards of freedom of speech and there is not one force that can over rule the other, it has to be a majority vote and allows debate to take place as well as educating the general public to prepare for undertaking a new law (Muir pg 56) The resulting policies are always smart, with little flaws because it gets read through various committees, leaders and to the legislative branch several times before going to the president’s desk to sign.

There is one however one paramount ideal that I have breifly mentioned that is the key to having a free society, which is the moral responsibility of the individual. In The Roots of Freedom, Danford suggests the principles of each individual life is of value, that by nature man is political by nature and his duty to his community is to aim for excellence or virtue. (pg 182) and without this, societies cannot flourish and individual freedom cannot be pursued. The moral duty of the citizens  is an underlying ideal that is not grasped well enough in our society today. A free society motivates the individuals to improve themselves which makes it function properly.

The reason that free societies flourish is based on the acknowledgment that the individual needs to have purpose. The individual needs to have motives, dreams and aspirations that make that individual their better self. Along with education and creativity, individuals need a teleology perspective of fulfillment in a free society. Individuals in this society use self restraint in order to keep their freedoms. And that is what America has been known for. We chose to be the hardest working, religious, diverse and creative country because of our individualism and endeavour to become the best individuals we can be. That is why America is a free society and has lasted and been the most influential country for the 200 years since it was created.

However our society is experiencing a moral decay, with popular media becoming more brutal and violent, ruining our perceptions and understanding of purpose with a more increased belief of atheism.(Danford pg.175) A decline in individual responsibility and decline in religious belief is shifting our country into a society that is becoming less free and educated.  We are revising our

vision of meaning into a materialistic intellect rather than a soul seeking intellect. We are degrading our freedom only if we continue to be more secular.