When I met with my Bishop this past week, he told me to go to the temple and read my patriartical blessing there. So this morning i got up early and crutched to the temple which was actually really hard, but i can do hard things right? I sat in the grass overlooking the temple, i layed on my back and stared at the clouds pass by so quickly and felt so calm and reassured. I prayed hard that I could play soccer this season because I wanted to so badly and had worked so hard. But deep down I knew this was the end. I stayed hopeful.I read my blessing and my perspective on alot of things slowly changed, and I became comforted that this was all apart of Gods Plan.
here's some pictures I took while there. I love this place so much.
The trainers yesterday told me that I wouldnt find out till monday the results of my MRI so I just braced myself for monday. I came back to my dorm, and got ready to go the soccer game vs. University of Hilo Hawaii. We had a nice chat in the CAC, i was so happy to see Brenna and all my soccer homies again because I hadnt seen them all week. I felt so happy to be there. SO HAPPY to be apart of a team that loved each other and cared for one another so much. I was so excited to watch them play. I talked to coach and told him I was sorry I had let him down but he quickly reminded me it wasnt my fault, and that he would be here for me if i needed anything.
As i walked onto the field, i got so happy I love soccer so much, i love the atmosphere. I decided I had had enough of the crutches and walked around like a free woman and because i had really bad rashes under my armpits. I helped them set up pre-game, coach Aaron made me pass him balls even though i could barely walk. hahah. but i was ok with it. Because I was given a little responsibilty and i felt so included.
Then one of the trainers, Guy told me to come over and talk to him. I thought he was gonna get so mad at me for not being on crutches hahah i got sooo nervous. But he sat me down and slowly said "so your MRI results came in...." the hairs on my neck went up high and my ears tuned in to listen to my fate "and your ACL is torn." WHAT?!? a million thoughts went through my head and all i did was slowly nod my head.
At this point, i dont really remember anything else. Its all kind of a blur. All i remember is crying and crying. Coach Aaron came and he was the first to know. He told me not to tell the girls till after the game. So i sat by Guy and i just kept sobbing. This wasnt real and this wasnt fair. AND definetly not what i expected. This time felt completly different than the other time. It couldnt be this severe. A wave of emotion just hit me so hard. I was so happy to be in that moment of watching my team mates play to hearing the worst news of my life. Coach Davis came to me and gave me a hug, he was at a loss of words and i dont blame him. My heart was completely torn out of my chest. I kept crying. some girls came and gave me hugs but i got mad at them and told them to focus on the game. hahah. a million thoughts were going through my head. I just sat there, so sad. The last year and a half was focused on getting better from my previous ACL tear to come kill it at BYU hawaii. and all my hard work was diminished into nothing, just another ACL tear again. This was the one moment I felt so alone. I have never grieved so much in my entire life. I'll stuck in hawaii, I have to have surgery and I can't even enjoy the ocean or go on hikes or do cool stuff with my friends. I am disabled now (just for a little bit) and all I ever wanted to be was normal, to be healthy and to play soccer.
At this point, i dont really remember anything else. Its all kind of a blur. All i remember is crying and crying. Coach Aaron came and he was the first to know. He told me not to tell the girls till after the game. So i sat by Guy and i just kept sobbing. This wasnt real and this wasnt fair. AND definetly not what i expected. This time felt completly different than the other time. It couldnt be this severe. A wave of emotion just hit me so hard. I was so happy to be in that moment of watching my team mates play to hearing the worst news of my life. Coach Davis came to me and gave me a hug, he was at a loss of words and i dont blame him. My heart was completely torn out of my chest. I kept crying. some girls came and gave me hugs but i got mad at them and told them to focus on the game. hahah. a million thoughts were going through my head. I just sat there, so sad. The last year and a half was focused on getting better from my previous ACL tear to come kill it at BYU hawaii. and all my hard work was diminished into nothing, just another ACL tear again. This was the one moment I felt so alone. I have never grieved so much in my entire life. I'll stuck in hawaii, I have to have surgery and I can't even enjoy the ocean or go on hikes or do cool stuff with my friends. I am disabled now (just for a little bit) and all I ever wanted to be was normal, to be healthy and to play soccer.
Today was the hardest day of my life. But I have never felt so comforted by all the new people i have met. In the begining of pregame each girl said who they were playing for. And brena came up to me later and said " i told everyone i was playing for my mom, but i am really playing for you" followed by a long hug and it was so sweet and thoughtful. 
this is a pic Someone took right after I found out I had torn it, this is cutie brenna.
savpin just showed up to our hale cause Daryl and I are both kinda sick and gave us AMAZING crepes and some Nutella. I knew it took a lot of time to make them and it was such a sweet gift. then Brooke and her roommates taylor and Emily came and gave me bubbalicious gum cause they knew it was my favorite and cookies and a cute balloon. HOW NICE?!? on Sunday, a girl I had met once in the training room, took the time to come and see me, gave me cookies and really emphasized that she was here for me because she had just had the same surgery. on Sunday night, two of my team mates kala and Whitney brought me brownies, sweet notes and kala painted me a painting!?!? how NICE IS THAT? I can't even emphasize to you how much I value effort and time, and when people take their own time and give me something It means SOOO much to me, even if im bad expressing how much it means to me. gahhhh I can't get over it how amazing people are. And i love all the people i have met here. They have taught me that even if you need help, its okay to let people help you because youre giving them an opportunity to serve and to become closer to our savior through acts of service. I have always been stubborn refusing others help, but I learned that it's ok to need help and to let people serve you. People are nice and im so blessed to be here, i wouldnt want to be anywhere else. I cant even imagine being some place else and having the same thing happen to me. So many people have touched me and ive never felt Gods love for me so strong than here in hawaii. Life throws alot of disapppointments, struggles and heart aches at us but you gotta just endure with patience and learn to enjoy the simple things.This isnt the end of the world, but soccer is such a huge chunk of my life because ive invested so many years,work and thought into it. Most things I think about involve soccer, so it's pretty hard when you have to reevaluate your whole mindset to simply just getting healthy from pushing yourself to become a better soccer player.This is hard, but i can do hard things. 
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