October 1-10 SURGERY AND RECOVERY YAY

well! surgery went well! my friend britt came with me! she's such a sweetheart. she made me feel loved and safe and not nervous. she even woke up at 5 am to come with me. that's true friendship right there. it wasn't even in a hospital it was in this really nice clinic. I begged the doctor to give me a nerve block. he agreed and I was so happy. haha the last thing I remember is them giving me the shot but I was out of it and I could see them moving it around to make sure they got the right nerve and then I fell asleep. it took me awhile to wake up. but I said some pretty crazy things all that were recorded by britt. hahaha I will try and upload them in a bit.

they give me some ginger ale, and put me in a wheel chair and then I got in the front seat of the car. I was pretty out of it. we parked near the training room back on campus. I remember yelling at some of the soccer boys cause they just got done with the game. that's why none of my close friends like Daryl, besser, peter, ansley or alyssa could come. cause they had a game. but we came right as the boys game ended, and coach parked right next to my car. and him and his wife came and said hi kat, how are you? and I felt pretty good but I was pretty out of it. he then told me that alyssa who was supposed to take care of me this week will be traveling with the team ( they were going to the mainland from Sunday to Sunday) I started crying. I kept telling them who will take care of me? the tears came down my face so fast. I was so scared and I was so afraid. I felt so helpless. they tried to reassure me but I was so mad. then Pettie and bess said hi to me. but I was so out of it. hahaha. they took me to Ansley's and Alyssa's house which is super nice and I sat on the comfiest couch ever. I layed there. a lot of people came to visit. Daryl,Brooke,sav, taylor and Emily came. I am so incredibly blessed with all the loving people here my friends I knew back home and the new ones. on Saturday the teams had a game so I sat on the medical bed and watched both games. natalie lewis mom came and brought me the yummiest home cooked meal. I felt like I was gonna be ok. with all the food people were bringing me. haha. brenna and her husband came by and brought me food as well. besser visited me every night and made me forget I was hurt and just made me so happy. on the night before they left to travel to the mainland I was literally begging him not to leave. hahaha but he said I was sooo out of it and tired that it was funny to see what I would say. hahah. the pain finally started to come on that Saturday. and I was taking OxyContin. 

here's my new scar:))) he did a quad graft meaning he took part of my quad tendon and put it my ACL. 

 Sunday, all my friends left to the mainland. it was hard. my dream was right there. all my life I wanted to play college soccer and travel and now I couldn't. Monday- i had a follow up with Marumoto the doctor, so I went all the way to Honolulu with Trez. I don't really remember what he said cause I was on some drugs hahaha. and I hadn't eaten anything and got car sick. 

Tuesday- I had physical therapy for the first time in the training room. it was hard because I was so disappointed in myself. the pain was really bad. guy the trainer told me not to compare this surgery to the last one, because this one is a lot worse. so I don't want my expectations to be so high. I sat in that training room and tried my hardest to even lift my leg up, but the pain. I have never felt this way in my entire life. just hopeless. I just wanted to play soccer. this was the second time I cried. the atrophy in my leg is already there, my leg is literally just bone. I sat there as basketball players came in, and I could see the pity in dawns eyes as she looked at me. I forgot how hard this was. I forgot how frustrated you get with your own body. it's you against yourself. and how much it just sucks. 

this week was the slowest week of my life. I did nothing. I would wake up at about 6 am every morning and feel the pain, take some pills fall asleep again, eat breakfast. then around 2 I would go to physical therapy, come home have someone bring me food watch a couple movies then go to bed. haha. I learned to love the girls who didn't get to travel cause they took care of me especially whitney. she's amazing. and so kind. however Thursday and Friday were hard, I felt so home sick. I tried to shower by myself which took about an hour and a half. I felt so bad for myself and I just beat myself up. Thursday was the game they played Dixie. Daryl got to see her family, everybody got to see their family. and I was alone in a shower unable to walk in Hawaii. it sucks. haha I cried to my dad and he just makes me feel better after I talk to him. besser also helps, he talks to me a lot and keeps me normal and keeps my mind off the severity of the situation. 

I've gotten motivation to play soccer again, I want it so bad. I want to play again. I want to be able to walk too. haha crutching around the house has been annoying, and I'm gonna have to get used to it cause I'll be on crutches for 6 weeks. and schools gonna be sooo fun especially since the semester is drawing to a close. but what motivated me also was conference. I only watched the second session of Sunday, but two talks stood out to me so well. my prayers were answered. two talks talked about trials. and how they can Change our perspective. I wrote it on my Instagram and I'll end this post here. 

"physical restrictions can expand our vision. Limited stamina can clarify priorities" -Elder Bednar 

I have thought to myself and prayed this conference about trials and what I get out of my own trials, particularly this injury that has disappointed me not just once but twice and caused so much heartbreak and pain. I've realized that it's a blesson: a lesson you learn that soon becomes a blessing. it's opened my eyes to what's important and all the wonderful things I can still be grateful for. and that if we come unto Christ we can not just endure every trial but enjoy it through focusing on the simple things we can do instead of things we can't do, and if we do this we will become a lot happier even when our life takes a totally different direction.

I'm learning this more and more every day, if I focus my thoughts and attitudes towards the things I can still do instead of the things I can't, I'll be a lot happier. because this trial isn't something that's gonna change so I might as just be happy any way.