Talk on Gratitude

I had to give a talk on gratitude this past week and i think its perfectly fitting for this wonderful holiday! Being away from home has made appreciate and love my family so much more. This is the only time i have missed being home. I miss home so much. much more than i would ever expect!

Gratitude

Brother and Sisters ALOHA

Hi for those who don't know me, my name is Ekaterina Herrod, I was in this ward last semester. I'm from Provo Utah.

Today I have been asked to talk about Thanksgiving and Gratitude. Brother Smith asked me to give a short outline on the History of Thanksgiving and what this Holiday is kinda all of about.

After the Fourth of july, Thanksgiving day is our most observed national holiday. The traditional harks back to the colonists of Plymouth Plantation, Massachusetts, who after their first harvest, a celebratory feast in the fall of 1621. a three day celebration in which local Native American chiefs and tribesmen participated. But the first national Thanksgiving, authorized by the federal government took place in 1789, the first year of George Washington’s presidency.

This holiday is supposed to be about appreciating our blessings in our lives because of the sacrifices of those who made this country. It includes a large feast which includes turkey,mash potatoes, and stuffing. most americans enjoy thanksgiving that carries a spirit of gratitude.

Into fuller depth, Gratitude is a feeling of appreciation and thankfulness for blessings or benefits we have received. As we cultivate a grateful attitude, we are more likely to be happy and spiritually strong. I might add that gratitude is also a feeling of appreciation and thankfulness for the struggles, trials, obstacles and hardships that we are faced with in this life.

Having Gratitude is a commandment. In D&C 59:5-7 It States “Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things.”It is evident in this scripture that thanking the Lord is not merely a courtesy, it is a commandment like any other commandment we are given.

Not being grateful leads to Pride, which is one of the worst sins you can have. The opposite of gratitude is having pride.

In order to show gratitude you have to recognize the many blessings and enjoyments in your life.

There are many things we can be grateful for including friends, family, this beautiful earth, having a healthy body, but i would like to emphasize the importance of the gratitude we can have for adversity.

If you think about it, adversity can humble us, help us become stronger and grow to becoming the person God wants us to be. “ A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor” and “the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees” are what come to my mind. I would like to share a quick story Elder Faust shared.

“I am grateful to have lived long enough to have known some of the blessings of adversity. My memory goes back to the Great Depression, when we had certain values burned into our souls. One of these values was gratitude for what we had because we had so little. We had to learn provident living in order to survive. Rather than create in us a spirit of envy or anger for what we did not have, it developed in many a spirit of gratitude for the meager, simple things with which we were blessed, like hot homemade bread and oatmeal cereal and many other things.” As another example, I remember my beloved grandmother, Mary Caroline Roper Finlinson, making homemade soap on the farm. Her recipe for homemade soap included rendered animal fat and wood ashes. The soap had a very pungent aroma and was almost as hard as a brick. There was no money to buy soft, sweet-smelling soap. On the farm there were many dusty, sweat-laden clothes to be washed and many bodies that desperately needed a Saturday night bath. If you had to bathe with that homemade soap, you could become wonderfully clean, but you smelled worse after bathing than before. Since I use soap more now than I did as a child, I have developed a daily appreciation for mild, sweet-scented soap.”

In Experiencing difficulty you always have two options; to become become grateful or hard, to become bitter or better. I have a personal testimony of this principle as I have learned to have a positive attitude on trials. Last semester, i was playing on the soccer team and tore my ACL a second time. The first time was just a year previous. I was immediately faced the trial of getting surgery on my own in the middle of the semester without my family and at the same time of being a full time student on a teeny tiny island. After i had surgery being on crutches i soon realized that it was much harder than i had anticipated. I could barely do any simple tasks such as putting my shoes on, walking to places, getting food, taking a shower, and so on. I prayed so so hard every day that the people around me would recognize when i needed help. Simple favors such as holding the door for me, helping me get food from the caf, cheering me on as i crutched to class, where all the answers to my prayers that may have seemed miniscule to those who performed those favors but for me testified of God's love for me and that he answered my prayers. I grew to have a greater appreciation for these small deeds that i could not do and realized how simply incredible all the things that we do in our day that we take totally for granted like walking to class. i learned to focus on the things that i still had instead of the things i couldn't do. One of my favorite hymns is Count Your Blessings, and i would like to just share a few verses with you.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done. …

So amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Thomas S. Monson suggested when experiencing difficulty to “think to thank” which creates a course for a happy marriage, enduring friendships and a pattern of personal happiness. I encourage you all whether you are facing trials today or not, to always remember to think to thank. He also said and i quote “ it is difficult to develop a spirit of gratitude if our thankfulness is only proportional to the number of blessings we can count. True, it is important to frequently “count our blessings” and anyone who has tried this knows there is many, but i dont believe the Lord expects us to be less thankful in times of abundance and ease. In fact, most of the scriptural references do not speak of gratitude FOR things, but rather suggest an overall spirit or attitude of gratitude.” end of quote.

A grateful heart is the beginning of greatness. An expression of humility. A foundation for development of virtues such as prayer, faith, love and happiness. THINK ABOUT IT. Most things that are good all come from being grateful. One of my favorite books is called the Tao of Pooh and one of the quotes that has stuck with me is this: “do you really want to be happy?You can begin by being appreciative of who you are and what you've got”

In addition to personal gratitude as a saving principle, especially in our trials,  I would like to express a feeling for the gratitude we ought to have for the many blessings we enjoy. Like living in one of the most beautiful places on earth. I try to thank God everyday for living in such a wonderful place where i so often feel his love for me amidst His simple creation of nature. Yes we have our families, we have our friends, we have this church, but the one person we must always strive and be eternally be grateful for is God and Jesus Christ. We should thank our Heavenly Father for His goodness to us by acknowledging His hand in all things, thanking Him for all that He gives us, keeping His commandments, and serving others. We should especially thank Him for His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, for the Savior's great example, for His teachings, for His outreaching hand to lift and help, for His infinite Atonement.

“He taught us how to pray. He taught us how to serve. He taught us how to live. His life is a legacy of love. The sick He healed; the downtrodden He lifted; the sinner He saved.Only He stood alone. Some Apostles doubted; one betrayed Him. The Roman soldiers pierced His side. The angry mob took His life. There yet rings from Golgotha’s hill His compassionate words, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”

How can we show gratitude for our Savior? By using the atonement alot. It never runs out, so why delay is repenting and use its power to its maximun potential. By praying daily and night and expressing our gratitude to God through our prayers. By keeping his commandments. Let us follow Him. Let us emulate Christs example. Let us obey His word. By doing so, we give Him the devine gift of gratitude.

I would just like to close with the scipture Alma 37:37 “Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day”

October 14

rehab has been good and I went back to school on Monday so that's good! just been busy catching up with school and everything! so I'm staying and Ansley's and alyssas still, and I just feel so bad I've been here for so long! I feel like I need to go back to the dorms, but I had the deep impression to stay here tonight. so I just kinda layed there on the couch like I always do. then all of a sudden a bunch of sister missionaries show up. I was sooo confused on what was going on. but they were so sweet AH 

literally I told them what was happening to me and they were freaking out and told me how brave I was and how strong I was to be a 18 year old college student in Hawaii with a destroyed knee on crutches. it kinda help me realize how we as individuals don't give ourselves enough credit. how we are sooo hard on ourselves and that it's okay to take a step back and realize you're awesome and you're strong and you're doing amazing things. because you are! and it's okay to once in awhile be proud of yourself. TREAT YO SELF 

anyways they talked to us for awhile with this cute roommate I have for this two weeks her names Ashley and is the most thoughtful soft spoken cutest girl ever. and we talked about missions, and trials and they shared the scripture in Moroni 

it was so simple and cute and I felt the spirit soooo strongly and I've literally never seen people glow like people describe but these ladies where shining! I couldn't stop smiling and they definetly felt prompted to come here cause I needed to hear their testimonies and talk to girls around my age who chose to serve God for 1.5 years of their life.i just kept thinking "this could be me" and I was soo extremely excited if I decide to serve a mission. I've always wanted to, and I had a plan that I was gonna go around March. but that plan keeps changing and I'm just waiting to see what happens in my life and praying lots to find my answers for what direction I should take in my life. 

then I asked if they knew Karen calvacante, which one of them did so I took a picture and here it is!!! excuse my pajama clothes I was ready to go to bed hahaha it was like 8 pm but I felt pretty embarrassed I was wearing boys boxers with sister missionaries. hahahah they comforted me, prayed for me, and told me if I ever needed anything to call them! they are so cute ah and people are beautiful and wonderful. throughout this whole trial I've learned that it's okay to have people serve you. I have become humbled as I watch people go out of their way to serve me from running to opening the door for me to making me cookies to writing a nice note to giving me hugs and genuinly asking me how I'm doing and telling Me I look pretty to when the whole school floods from rain water and the sidewalk is literally a river and it's pouring rain and a boy carries you to where you need to go and gets all wet just to help you even though he doesn't know you. 

at times I feel helpless, like at the caf when I have nobody to carry my food, but there is ALWAYS someone who comes and helps. I've learned to ask for help, but most of the time someone is there already serving me because they see it and as a result I've become so much closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. LIFE IS GOOD 

October 1-10 SURGERY AND RECOVERY YAY

well! surgery went well! my friend britt came with me! she's such a sweetheart. she made me feel loved and safe and not nervous. she even woke up at 5 am to come with me. that's true friendship right there. it wasn't even in a hospital it was in this really nice clinic. I begged the doctor to give me a nerve block. he agreed and I was so happy. haha the last thing I remember is them giving me the shot but I was out of it and I could see them moving it around to make sure they got the right nerve and then I fell asleep. it took me awhile to wake up. but I said some pretty crazy things all that were recorded by britt. hahaha I will try and upload them in a bit.

they give me some ginger ale, and put me in a wheel chair and then I got in the front seat of the car. I was pretty out of it. we parked near the training room back on campus. I remember yelling at some of the soccer boys cause they just got done with the game. that's why none of my close friends like Daryl, besser, peter, ansley or alyssa could come. cause they had a game. but we came right as the boys game ended, and coach parked right next to my car. and him and his wife came and said hi kat, how are you? and I felt pretty good but I was pretty out of it. he then told me that alyssa who was supposed to take care of me this week will be traveling with the team ( they were going to the mainland from Sunday to Sunday) I started crying. I kept telling them who will take care of me? the tears came down my face so fast. I was so scared and I was so afraid. I felt so helpless. they tried to reassure me but I was so mad. then Pettie and bess said hi to me. but I was so out of it. hahaha. they took me to Ansley's and Alyssa's house which is super nice and I sat on the comfiest couch ever. I layed there. a lot of people came to visit. Daryl,Brooke,sav, taylor and Emily came. I am so incredibly blessed with all the loving people here my friends I knew back home and the new ones. on Saturday the teams had a game so I sat on the medical bed and watched both games. natalie lewis mom came and brought me the yummiest home cooked meal. I felt like I was gonna be ok. with all the food people were bringing me. haha. brenna and her husband came by and brought me food as well. besser visited me every night and made me forget I was hurt and just made me so happy. on the night before they left to travel to the mainland I was literally begging him not to leave. hahaha but he said I was sooo out of it and tired that it was funny to see what I would say. hahah. the pain finally started to come on that Saturday. and I was taking OxyContin. 

here's my new scar:))) he did a quad graft meaning he took part of my quad tendon and put it my ACL. 

 Sunday, all my friends left to the mainland. it was hard. my dream was right there. all my life I wanted to play college soccer and travel and now I couldn't. Monday- i had a follow up with Marumoto the doctor, so I went all the way to Honolulu with Trez. I don't really remember what he said cause I was on some drugs hahaha. and I hadn't eaten anything and got car sick. 

Tuesday- I had physical therapy for the first time in the training room. it was hard because I was so disappointed in myself. the pain was really bad. guy the trainer told me not to compare this surgery to the last one, because this one is a lot worse. so I don't want my expectations to be so high. I sat in that training room and tried my hardest to even lift my leg up, but the pain. I have never felt this way in my entire life. just hopeless. I just wanted to play soccer. this was the second time I cried. the atrophy in my leg is already there, my leg is literally just bone. I sat there as basketball players came in, and I could see the pity in dawns eyes as she looked at me. I forgot how hard this was. I forgot how frustrated you get with your own body. it's you against yourself. and how much it just sucks. 

this week was the slowest week of my life. I did nothing. I would wake up at about 6 am every morning and feel the pain, take some pills fall asleep again, eat breakfast. then around 2 I would go to physical therapy, come home have someone bring me food watch a couple movies then go to bed. haha. I learned to love the girls who didn't get to travel cause they took care of me especially whitney. she's amazing. and so kind. however Thursday and Friday were hard, I felt so home sick. I tried to shower by myself which took about an hour and a half. I felt so bad for myself and I just beat myself up. Thursday was the game they played Dixie. Daryl got to see her family, everybody got to see their family. and I was alone in a shower unable to walk in Hawaii. it sucks. haha I cried to my dad and he just makes me feel better after I talk to him. besser also helps, he talks to me a lot and keeps me normal and keeps my mind off the severity of the situation. 

I've gotten motivation to play soccer again, I want it so bad. I want to play again. I want to be able to walk too. haha crutching around the house has been annoying, and I'm gonna have to get used to it cause I'll be on crutches for 6 weeks. and schools gonna be sooo fun especially since the semester is drawing to a close. but what motivated me also was conference. I only watched the second session of Sunday, but two talks stood out to me so well. my prayers were answered. two talks talked about trials. and how they can Change our perspective. I wrote it on my Instagram and I'll end this post here. 

"physical restrictions can expand our vision. Limited stamina can clarify priorities" -Elder Bednar 

I have thought to myself and prayed this conference about trials and what I get out of my own trials, particularly this injury that has disappointed me not just once but twice and caused so much heartbreak and pain. I've realized that it's a blesson: a lesson you learn that soon becomes a blessing. it's opened my eyes to what's important and all the wonderful things I can still be grateful for. and that if we come unto Christ we can not just endure every trial but enjoy it through focusing on the simple things we can do instead of things we can't do, and if we do this we will become a lot happier even when our life takes a totally different direction.

I'm learning this more and more every day, if I focus my thoughts and attitudes towards the things I can still do instead of the things I can't, I'll be a lot happier. because this trial isn't something that's gonna change so I might as just be happy any way. 

September 23 2015 THE PLAN

So yesterday i went to the doctor. I was really nervous but I felt like I had really prepared for what was going to happen.
This small asian hawaiian by the name of Dr. Marumoto walks in and he looks at me straight in the eyes and said " you really did something to your knee. this is really really bad. You completely retore your ACL, and your medial meniscus is torn in a way called a bucket handle tear. Where you mensicus is moved completely to the other side of your knee. This is bad and you need to get it done as soon as possible, no waiting till the end of the sememster or a few weeks. You should go home, but if you cant i can do the surgery for you. If you wait, you will walk with a limp for the rest of your life and have trouble just walking." Ok well shiz. i was so stunned. I didnt realize how severe it was. My whole life came into perspective, but i quietly sat there listening. I took the news like a champ or so my trainer told me. He then tried to see if he could move the mensicus by moving my leg in different directions, but my knee was so uncapable of that. Then as quickly as he came, he left. And i was faced with so many decisions. I was so alone but for the first time in my life I really felt like I was in control of my life and felt like an adult. I decided that I am having surgery here, next week on thursday October 1st. Ill be in bed for about a week and a half, then crutches for 6 weeks. I called my parents, and we talked for awhile, and then they talked to the doctor. But i ultimately made the choice to stay here, and get the surgery done and recover here. NUTS HUH. All by myself without my family. I kind of lost it at this point, i was talking to the nurse, filling out my paperwork feeling sooo overwhelmed with all these decisions I was making, the tears flowed down my cheeks. I stared out into the city of Honolulu and thought "this is my life, no use complaining. IT IS WHAT IT IS. whether this is apart of gods plan for me or not. I have to have a good attitude about it."
When we drove back to Laie, there was the huge amazing green mountains and the sky was on fire, it was one of the prettiest sunsets ive ever seen. And i thought to myself this makes it worth it. Even if i cant swim or hike for a long time, i am still in hawaii. Just the atmosphere brings me peace and love for this earth and God.
This morning (wednesday) i went and talked to all my proffessors who were all very understanding which i am so grateful for. I went and got a nice letter from Annie, and a package of a book that was suppossed to come about a month ago. haha. I talked to my counselor, and set up my schedule for next semester. She told me i am after fall, considered a sophemore in college, so i need to tell her my major. I WAS SO STARTLED AND SCARED i was like gahhhh i have no idea what i want to do in life! i am taking the direction of social work/physcology which is kinda nuts i just kinda winged it. I love talking to people but in no way do i want to be a social worker so im not sure what i got myself into. ON the plus side, when i have surgery ill be able to have alot of time on my hands to hopefully figure that out. When i get stressed out or when i tell people that im going to have surgery on a tiny island alonevwithout my family, be on crutches for 6 weeks and be a full time college student they tell me im crazy and i got my work cut out for me. And i do, but this is the situation im in and i just gotta go with it!
Growing up is hard, but i have never learned so much than i have out here.
Enjoy the simple.

Saturday September 20th 2015 WHAT

Alot of mixed emotions right now. My heart has never been so heavy. I retore my ACL.

When I met with my Bishop this past week, he told me to go to the temple and read my patriartical blessing there. So this morning i got up early and crutched to the temple which was actually really hard, but i can do hard things right? I sat in the grass overlooking the temple, i layed on my back and stared at the clouds pass by so quickly and felt so calm and reassured. I prayed hard that I could play soccer this season because I wanted to so badly and had worked so hard. But deep down I knew this was the end. I stayed hopeful.I read my blessing and my perspective on alot of things slowly changed, and I became comforted that this was all apart of Gods Plan. 

here's some pictures I took while there. I love this place so much.

The trainers yesterday told me that I wouldnt find out till monday the results of my MRI so I just braced myself for monday. I came back to my dorm, and got ready to go the soccer game vs. University of Hilo Hawaii. We had a nice chat in the CAC, i was so happy to see Brenna and all my soccer homies again because I hadnt seen them all week. I felt so happy to be there. SO HAPPY to be apart of a team that loved each other and cared for one another so much. I was so excited to watch them play. I talked to coach and told him I was sorry I had let him down but he quickly reminded me it wasnt my fault, and that he would be here for me if i needed anything.

As i walked onto the field, i got so happy I love soccer so much, i love the atmosphere. I decided I had had enough of the crutches and walked around like a free woman and because i had really bad rashes under my armpits. I helped them set up pre-game, coach Aaron made me pass him balls even though i could barely walk. hahah. but i was ok with it. Because I was given a little responsibilty and i felt so included. 

Then one of the trainers, Guy told me to come over and talk to him. I thought he was gonna get so mad at me for not being on crutches hahah i got sooo nervous. But he sat me down and slowly said "so your MRI results came in...." the hairs on my neck went up high and my ears tuned in to listen to my fate "and your ACL is torn." WHAT?!? a million thoughts went through my head and all i did was slowly nod my head.
At this point, i dont really remember anything else. Its all kind of a blur. All i remember is crying and crying. Coach Aaron came and he was the first to know. He told me not to tell the girls till after the game. So i sat by Guy and i just kept sobbing. This wasnt real and this wasnt fair. AND definetly not what i expected. This time felt completly different than the other time. It couldnt be this severe. A wave of emotion just hit me so hard. I was so happy to be in that moment of watching my team mates play to hearing the worst news of my life. Coach Davis came to me and gave me a hug, he was at a loss of words and i dont blame him. My heart was completely torn out of my chest. I kept crying. some girls came and gave me hugs but i got mad at them and told them to focus on the game. hahah. a million thoughts were going through my head. I just sat there, so sad. The last year and a half was focused on getting better from my previous ACL tear to come kill it at BYU hawaii. and all my hard work was diminished into nothing, just another ACL tear again. This was the one moment I felt so alone. I have never grieved so much in my entire life. I'll stuck in hawaii, I have to have surgery and I can't even enjoy the ocean or go on hikes or do cool stuff with my friends. I am disabled now (just for a little bit) and all I ever wanted to be was normal, to be healthy and to play soccer.

Today was the hardest day of my life. But I have never felt so comforted by all the new people i have met. In the begining of pregame each girl said who they were playing for. And brena came up to me later and said " i told everyone i was playing for my mom, but i am really playing for you" followed by a long hug and it was so sweet and thoughtful.

this is a pic Someone took right after I found out I had torn it, this is cutie brenna.

savpin just showed up to our hale cause Daryl and I are both kinda sick and gave us AMAZING crepes and some Nutella. I knew it took a lot of time to make them and it was such a sweet gift. then Brooke and her roommates taylor and Emily came and gave me bubbalicious gum cause they knew it was my favorite and cookies and a cute balloon. HOW NICE?!? on Sunday, a girl I had met once in the training room, took the time to come and see me, gave me cookies and really emphasized that she was here for me because she had just had the same surgery. on Sunday night, two of my team mates kala and Whitney brought me brownies, sweet notes and kala painted me a painting!?!? how NICE IS THAT? I can't even emphasize to you how much I value effort and time, and when people take their own time and give me something It means SOOO much to me, even if im bad expressing how much it means to me. gahhhh I can't get over it how amazing people are. And i love all the people i have met here. They have taught me that even if you need help, its okay to let people help you because youre giving them an opportunity to serve and to become closer to our savior through acts of service. I have always been stubborn refusing others help, but I learned that it's ok to need help and to let people serve you. People are nice and im so blessed to be here, i wouldnt want to be anywhere else. I cant even imagine being some place else and having the same thing happen to me. So many people have touched me and ive never felt Gods love for me so strong than here in hawaii. Life throws alot of disapppointments, struggles and heart aches at us but you gotta just endure with patience and learn to enjoy the simple things.This isnt the end of the world, but soccer is such a huge chunk of my life because ive invested so many years,work and thought into it. Most things I think about involve soccer, so it's pretty hard when you have to reevaluate your whole mindset to simply just getting healthy from pushing yourself to become a better soccer player.This is hard, but i can do hard things. 

September 17th 2015: HOW IT HAPPENED

I am sorry i haven't written at all these past two weeks, Ive been very reluctant to. And I will tell you why in a little bit. Last week, my best friend Mckenzie Brockbank came and visited us before her mission. We hiked, swam, ate lots of good food, laughed really hard just like old times. I love her so much, she made me miss home very much but made it feel like I was home at the same time. My definition of home has changed significantly since I have been in Hawaii. Its not about where you are, but who you are with. I have been blessed with 3 best friends Daryl, Brooke and Savpin who came here with me. I don't feel alone ever. I will make a video soon showing our adventures! Friendship will be forever, I know it even if in a few years we wont see each other. The power of six will be best friends till we are grandmas with saggy boobs. (Annie, Brooke, Savpin, Daryl, Kenzie, Emmaline, and I)
That week I was at practice and I was just jogging and a shot of pain went through my leg, i fell to the ground and was in so much pain. The trainer came and got me, where he examined it and thought it was my MCL, just being super weak.After about an hour however, the pain totally went away and I felt perfectly fine. I went to the doctors and he said the same thing, that my MCL was sprained and that I needed to strengthen my quad. They told me I would be out for about a month. This was really hard for me, particularly because I felt i had worked so hard and my body gave up on me once again. At the same time, I was really relieved because it was only a month, then I could play again. I hid my sadness with laughter and just blew it off as no big deal. If you know me you know I hate talking about my problems, hate complaining and will never admit I am hurt.I guess I just inherited alot of my moms genes.
 I loved going to practice just to see my newly best friends. I looked forward to seeing Ansley, Brenna and Alyssa, Whitney the most every day. They made me sooo happy. I have only known them for about 2 months but I feel like I have known them for years, we die laughing at the little things and enjoy just being in each others company. Time passed, I would go to practice to listen to coach talk,be there for the prayer and for a scripture thought because I wanted to feel apart of the team. Then i would go to the trainers, do physical therapy and work out at the gym. I would then go to the end of practice and watch all my teammates scrimmage. I mostly came just to see their faces and be around them. I kept telling myself I was so blessed for just being in hawaii, and I am still so grateful to be here. I had never been happier even though I couldn't do the one thing I came here to do, play soccer.
This happened for two weeks. On Monday, after finishing a workout Daryl and I went to the Caf where we were talking to our homie Brody who is on the soccer team. I was sitting down and tried to reposition my knee when a huge shot of pain came over me, this time it was much worse. It felt like a nerve was hit and just a constant wave of pain was going through my knee. They knew that I was in pain, so i just told them I had gotten a charley horse. We sat for about an hour and the pain was still there, and gradually getting worse. I came clean and said, " okay guys i lied when i said i had a charley horse it was really my knee." And daryl tried to help me she said straighten it! move it around and don't make it stiff. I tried to straighten it, but the medial side of my knee felt so much pressure and the pain was directed at one specific point that I could hardly move it. I kept my cool though and remained calm cause you know there was boys around and i don't like people seeing my weaknesses. Brody offered to call Guy the trainer, but i begged him not to, thinking this would put the possibility of me playing moved back further and I thought the pain would just go away like the last time. I wasn't just gonna sit there however and attempted to walk when I discovered I couldn't even put any weight on it without a fierce jab of pain. Brody being a buff guy and a nice gentleman offered to give me a piggy back ride to my Hale. I reluctantly agreed. Then daryl helped me hobble to my room where i layed in my bed. The tears finally began to flow as the pain was so intense and it just didn't stop hurting. I called my dad, and cried and cried so hard till there were no tears left. Roxanne my other room mate came in and comforted me and reassured me she was here to help me. All my room mates were out doing homework so i had the room to myself where I cried till i finally fell asleep. They had practice early that morning, where i tried to get up but couldnt move for the life of me. I ended up staying in bed for about 16 hours till i realized that the pain just wouldnt go away and there was something that was really wrong. I missed my one class, and then at about 2 i went to the doctors office. The same doctor who helped me the first time was there and as I tried to explain i couldnt stop crying because I was reliving the same nightmare I had a year ago (my acl) but i was all by myself without my parents on the most isolated island on earth. I went to the trainers on crutches, where they were trying to schedule an MRI for me. Then my phone completely broke, luckily i had a backup but it doesnt work that well. I seemed to have the worst luck. I have hardly eaten anything since then which was about 3 days ago because all i can focus on is the pain. I then went to the caf to eat, and then crutched to the stake center where i was supposed to have a meeting with my bishop.The clerk told me I was wearing inappropriate clothing and I needed to go change.So i had to crutch all the way home and go back. Life truly felt like it was against me, Satan wanted to discourage me and it was working. I was so sad, because i didnt understand why god was doing this to me. I knew I was supposed to come to Hawaii, but why would God let this happen to me once i was here? We talked for about an hour and half. He quickly got rid of all my fears, and answered many of my prayers. I love him so incredibly much. Bishop Staples encouraged me to find positivity and endure. To read my scriptures every night, go to the temple, and read my patriartical blessing at the temple.
Wednesday:
The pain was still there its always there. I went to class, with a more positive attitude. I am mostly just soooo scared to go back home. I dont want to leave Hawaii and I cry every time i think about going away. But i also recognize i cant do antyhing like swim or hike with crutches. I cant just leave in the middle of the semester either. All of these what ifs are haunting my mind. Went to my classes, took a test, went to the caf, went to the trainers to find out more about my MRI. I cant even comprehend to you how awful i feel as to how it will money wise effect my family. MRI's are very expensive. Anyways, one of the trainers named dawn, this sweet older small lady was talking to me what could possibly wrong, and she abruptly said "Are you LDS?" and i replied yes. She said " Well i put your name on the temple prayer list this morning while i was at the temple this morning, I hope that was alright." And i just started bawling my eyes out. IT WAS THE MOST NICEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE. she remembered my name out of all the athletes she sees every day, and at the temple, she thought of me. I was so overcome with the spirit and of Gods love that it was pouring out of my eyeballs.
I went to Honolulu with some gals to get my computer which was really nice to get back! ive been hidden in the library for the past two weeks trying to do all my homework in there! I started crying on the way back so hard because of how beautiful hawaii is and How i cant even comprehend of leaving here. I got a Slurpee to numb the pain hahah.  I was in deep thought too, because alot of signs all over hawaii say " enjoy the simple" and thats why I love it here so much, the simple life is the best life. I came up with a new motto for myself after these last really hard days, and its this that i think everyone needs to do more of. "Endure with patience, and enjoy the simple."

I stole and hid Bessers cheeto puffs the other day cause i thought it would be funny, but when i gave them back to him like 2 days later they got all stale so i felt really bad. So i bought him some new ones and gave em to him where we were outside and talked and then my squad, (Peter, Besser, Ally and Britt) came out where we did partner yoga, listened to people sing, licked peoples elbows, played silly games and laughed really hard. These people are my best friends and I love doing things with them. I felt extremely better just being around them. We stayed up till about 1.

Thursday: The soccer team has a game today at HPU, but unfortunately i felt like i couldnt go because i didnt know if they would be back in time for when a trainer was going to take me to the hospital. They left at 9:30 this morning, there game is at 12:30 and I have to Leave the school at 3:30 today even though my appointment isnt till 8:15 pm. (Kinda ridiculous right?!) It was really hard missing out on that opportunity. I get super sad talking to coach because I know he expected so much of me and I let him down. I failed him and all my teammates even if its not my fault, im still hurt and cant play.
So Now im just waiting to leave and praying for the best results! Hopefully nothing too serious! Trust in God and believe in miracles and believe in whatever happens, happens because its supposed to. I believed I came out here to have fun and play soccer, but I guess God wants me to learn alot more and might have a different course for me to take, Im just still learning how to accept it. And ive learned that I can cry alot too haha.

August 31/ September 1

these last two days have been interesting.... 

Monday: so Monday's are the worst first off. I went to Book of Mormon and a stinky boy sat by me and I felt like I was gonna throw up the whole period. he always was drinking Mountain Dew and burping which didn't help. then I went to geology where my phone accidentally clicked a video and I got kicked out of class for it making a sound ahahhaha. my professor looked at me and just said straight up "leave get out of my class" 

then I had dropped my computer the night before but didn't check it and I went to my dorm tried to get my computer to turn on and the whole screen got cracked. destroyed. I started freaking out. went to the it service computer place and they told me I would have to go to the store. I then forgot my key card and I was stuck outside my dorm for awhile. Daryl found me on the floor outside our dorm crying my eyes out on the floor. hahaha what a sight to see. the day got pretty good after that. I was chewing bubble gum so hard in the library with my friends and that was a good time. 

Tuesday: we had soccer in the early am so we had the whole afternoon free. I ofcourse took a 3 hour nap and then Daryl and Brooke came with me to Honolulu to best buy where they could fix my computer but it would take them about 2 weeks to fix. HOW AM I GONNA SURVIVE COLLEGE WITHOUT A LAPTOP?!? haha but it worked all out quite nicely. I have never been more happy though, being here with my best friends. we ran around town, stared at sunsets and have to use the bus which takes us like an hour and a half to get there instead of about 45 minutes in a car. but it's an adventure. we then ate food at a little cafe where we were happy to eat normal food. it was a good Tuesday. I have never been so happy in my entire life even though stinky boys and being stupid and dropping my computer gets in my way. happiness is an attitude not a destination. JUST ENJOY THE TIME YOU ARE BREATHING.